Jokes In Urdu

Is niyat say buray kam karna kay sirf do char martaba karkay chordun ga apna raz kisi ko bata kar poshida rakhnay ki darkhowast karna azmai huway ko azmana,apnay aap ko sab say ziyada laiq aur aqalmand tasawur karna, har aik shirin zaban ko dost samajh laina , jo kam khud na karsakay doosron kay liye na mumkin khayal karna, bekari mein aaeenda kay liye khayali pulao pakana aur khush rehna apnay waldain ki khidmat na karna aur aulad say is ki tawaqoh rakhna.

Izzat aur zillat kay liye aik hi darwazah ha…zaban…isay hamaisha naram lehjay mein istemal karo. Dost bananay say pehlay apnay dil mein aik qabar banalo jis mein tum apnay dost ki burayan dafan kar sako. Sachay aur achay dost ki qadar karo woh qudrat ki taraf say anmol angina hai.sachaee insane ko bewaquf aur nidar banadeti hai. Dushman bhi bhooka ho to isay khana khilao dana woh hai jo kam bolay aur ziyada sunay. Duniya mein ghareeb woh hai jis ka koee dost nahin

Americay bohot zaheen hotay hain aik jagha americy nojawanon kay interview ho rahe thay. Aik nojawan say mandaja zail jawab sunnay ko milay.
“Washington kahan hai?” “woh to arsa huwa margaya”(george Washington) “mera matlab tha ka America ka capital kahan hai?” “America nay apna sara capital Europe ko qarzonin dai diya hai.””agar tumhain mulazemat dai dee gaee to tum apnay mulk kay aaeen ko support karogay?:” mein aaeen ko support kaisay kar sakta hoon mairay pas to support kay liye meri biwi aur do bacha mojud hain”

Dosti aik pakiza aur muqaddas jazbay ka nam hai yah aaeenay ki terha nazuk, chand ki kinon ki terha thanda, sitaron ki terha pur sakoon aur samandar ki terha waseh hota haidost ki zahiri shakal o soorat nahin balkay is kay kirdar aur sirat ko daikhna chahiye.aaj ki is khud gharz duniya mein aik sachay aur mukhlis dost ki rifaqat kisi rehmat say kam nahin.  Kisi nay kiya khoob kaha hai kay agar tum kisi say taluq rakhna chahtay ho to us say har roz milo aur agar tum kisi say mazboot dosti rakhna chahtay ho to kabhi kabhar milo

Aik din aalu bhindi kay number par “loyo” ka message bhaija bhindi nay isay phone karkay bura bhala kaha aur boli “shut up…tum itnay motay aur mein is qadar “slim aur smart” tumhara aur mera kiya sath….? Aalu ko bhindi kay rawaye say bohot dukh huwa aur phir us  nay itni sabziyon say dosti ki kay aaj aap daikh saktay hain.
Aalu gobhi,alu bangan,an saim phalli,aalu shimla mirach,aalu palak,aalu matar,aalu loki jabkay bhindi is din say aaj tak akaili hai. Natija gharoor ka sar nicha.

Wazeh soorate hal mein bhi jab log ahmaqana sawal karain to insane tilmila uthta hai isi qisam ki shokhiyan zail kay sawal o jawab mein mulaheza farmain. Market mein “oho aap yahan kiya kar rahe hain.”
“kiye aap nahin jantay …mein yahan sabzi baichta hun” adhi raat ko phone call “moaf kijiye! Kiya aap sorahe thay?” “ji nahin mein chuhon aur mandakon par tehqeeq kar raha tha aap nay na maloom kiyun soch liya key mein soraha tha” jab aap nay bal chotay karai hon “kiya aap nay hajamat banwaee hai?” “ji nahin! Aap ko maloom nahin kay ya mosame khizan hai aur isi wajah say mairay bal jhar rahe hain”

Andheri raat mein ail ajeeb huliye ka shakhs foot atb par khara kitab farokht kar raha tha is ka kehna tha ka is kitab mein mustaqbil ki peshingoyan aur dolamand bannay kay hairat angwz nuskhay hain aik aadmi nay is say kitab ki qeemat poochi to us nay kaha “teen so rupai” aadmi bola “is kitab ki koee khas baat….?” Us shakhs nay razdari say kaha “is kitab ka akhri safha mat parhna worna tumhara chehra bigar jaiga” aadmi nay woh kitab kharid lee aur chala gaya. Us nay pari dilchaspi say woh kitab parhee magar dara aur khof ki wajah say akhri safha chordiya. Kuch arsay bad us nay socha kay akhir daikhoon to sahi kay sakhri safhay par kiya likha hai? Us nay dartay dartay safha parha to is ki aankhain khuli ki khuli rahe gaeen aur chehra bigar gaya kiyun kay kitab ki qeemat “tees rupai” likhi thi.

Udhar mohabbat ki qainchi hai laikin log phir bhi mangtay hain kiya wajah hai?
Qainchi ki dhar tez rakhnay kay liye aaj kal log aslai phulon ki bajai naqli phool kiyun pasand kartay hain? Kanton say bachnay kay liye. Kisi siyaasat dan ka nasha kab hiran hota hai? Jab is par reference dair hota hai. Agar duniya mein khushiyan hi khushiyan hoteen to? Gham aur dukh khud kashi karletay.kiya aaj kay dor mein khuloos mil sakta hai? Bilkul mil sakta hai aap udhar daikar bhool jain. Shohar ki qadar kab hoti hai? Panch karor ki lotry par behti ganga mein kaisay hath thoay jo saktay hain? Jab kisi manchalay ko larki chairnay par sare rah jutiyan par rahi hon ro aap bhi apna hissa dal lijay.

Do dost ail mehfile mosiqi mein shareek thay kuch dair bad ail dost nay doosray ko kehni martay huway kaha “zara daikhoto! Woh samnay wali seat par baisha huwa shakhs mosiqi say lutf andoz honey ki bajai soraha hai” doosra dost bigartay huway bola “yar choro bhi yah itni si bat kay liye mujhe jaganay ki kiya zaroorat thi?”

Aik doctor ki shadi kuch is ter honi chahiye kay doctor ki shadi nazar aaey. Maslan dulhan ko ubtan ki jagha marham lagaya jai mehdi ki jagha lal dawaee istemal ki jai barat amblance mein aaey nikah aspatal mein parhaya jai tasaweer ki jagha xray liye jain. Khanay mein vitamin ki goliyan di jain.baratiyon ko chai aur Bolton kay bajai glucose ki botlain lagaee jain aur dulha kay galay mein haron ki bajai statho scop latak raha ho tohfay bhi isi qisam kay hon ka koee tharma meter day to koee B.P.operatus ,jahaiz mein dulha ko clinic milay aur rukhsati kay waqt dulhan kay aziz o aqarib isay yun duain dain.”jao beti aspatal abad karo marizon kay sai talay shad abad raho, sirup aur mikscharon mein nahao aur fason mein phalo phulo”

Raja ranjeet singh kay darbar mein aik haseen kaneez raqskar rahe thi ranjit singh  bohot bad soorat tha raqs kay bad kaneez nay raja say aik sawal ki ijazat talab ki. Raja nay kaha “pooch” kanzeez nay kaha “jab husn taqseem ho raha tha to aap kidhar thay?” raja nay ghussa na kiya bulkay muskuratay huway kaha “jab tum husn ki Qatar mein khari theen to mein qismat ki Qatar mein khara qismat lay raha tha daikhlo ka aaj tujh jaisi husn wali meri kaneez hai”

Jab say tum  gaey ho aankhain pathra si gaeen hain jaisay jisim say jan bhi lay gaey ho mohabbatain aisay nibahi jateen hain wafa is ko kehtay hain ka khud to chalay gaey aur mujhe tanha chor gaey tum to saza day gaey mujhe is mohabbat kit um sang guzra aik aik lamha tar pa ta hai rulatahai. Kaisay kahun apnay dukh kisay bataon yeh judaee kar karb?
Guzarta har lamha tumhari yad mein basa hota hai mein nahin janti thee kay tumhari mohabbat mujhe is qadar tor day gi.tumhari judaee ka mujh par is qadar asar hoga kay mein mein na rahun gi. Mein janti hoon kay tum bhi mujhe is qadar chahtay thay magar mot nay tumhain mujh say juda kardiya mot nahin daikhti kay peechai kiya choray jarahi ho. Is zalim billi nay bhi yeh sab na socha hoga aur tumhain daboch kar lay gaee ai meray iyaray “totay” tum kal bhi mujhe aziz thay aur aaj bhi tumhari yad meray dil mein basi huee hai.

Yome difah kay moqay par aslahay ki numaish ho rahi theaik jagha rifle shooting ka muzahira kiya jaraha tha. Aik sath bohot si rifalain chaleen to dhamakon say khof zada hokar tamashaeyon mein khari aik larki cheekh mar kar do teen qadam peechay hati aur us nay ghabrakar aik nojawan ka bazoo pakarliya. Chand lamhon kay bad us nay nojawan ka bazoo chor diya aur sharak say surkh hotay huway mazrat ki. Nojawan bola” is mein mazrat ki kiya bat hai aye aagay chaltay hain wahan kuch dair bad topon say fire honewalay hain”

Tum poochtay hona ….kay meray aanay ki khabar tumhain kaisay hojati hai.to suno…jab hawain gungunati,khushiyon kay geet gateen, mairay anchal ko chair kar guzarti hain mujh say athkailiyan karti hain…go mairay kanon mein sargodhiyan si honay lagti hain jab har kali chatakh kar phool ban jati hai aur woh phool apni tamam tar ranayon aur dilfaraibiyon kay sath har shakh par khoomnay lagtay hain to fiza mein aik ajeeb see man ko pagal kardainay wali khushbu phail jati hai jis say mera dimagh mohatar ho jata hai aur mera dil beqabu ho kar meri pasliyon ko tor kar bahar nikalnay ki  koshish karta hai.to….aisay mein mein jan jati hunk ay tum aane walay ho.

Aurat ki azmat ko woh log nahin samajh saktay jin kay dimagh naqis hain zara sochiye kay tumharay wajud nay kahan parwarish paee? Kisi nay takhleeq ka dukh utha kar tumhain zindagi bakhshi. Woh aurat hi to hai jo agar maan hai to paon kay  nichay jannat liye huway hai behan hai to tumharay liye dil mein beshumar duain liye huway hai.beti hai to tumhari abro ban kar chamaknay wali  aur agar biwi hai to tumhain majazi khuda ka darja daiti hai. Aurat kay wajud aur chandni mein koee farq nahin bikhar kar cha janewali aur kainat ko roshan kardainay wali azeem hasti aurat hai.

Mein nay bachpan mein aik poda lagaya tha mairay ghar kay chotay say sehan mein woh poda apni ronaqain bikhairtay bikhartay aik tanawar pair ban gaya mujhe is say bohot piyar tha is kay sath mera bachpan uzra tha magar jane kiya huwa? Janey isay kaisay deemak lag gaee jo isay ander hi ander khagaee mein is deemak ko nahin daikh paee mujhe khayal hi na raha aur woh pair mera bachpan meri mohabbat,meri aankhon kay samnay dam tor gaya mairay sehan mein  ab bhi woh pair hai  magar woh behad khokhla ho chukka hai aur mein kuch nahin kar sakti.

Do bachay aik doosray par apnay bap kay ziyada ameer honay ka rob dalnay ki koshish kar rahe thay donon aik doosray say barh kar dalilain day rahe thay. Akhir aik bacha bola “mairay abba tumaray abba say ziyada ameer hain woh tumharay abba say ziyada cheezon ki qistain daitay hain.”

Aik kanjoos ameer kay pas aik faqir aya aur isay apni dukh bari kahani sunani shurooh ki  us ka lehja itna dardnak tha kay ameer aadmi ki aankhon say aansoo behnay lagay us nay apnay nokar ko awaz dee to faqeer samjha kay shayad ab kuch imdad mil jaigee. Laikin nokar aya to ameer aadmi nay us say poocha “is kambakht ko dhakkay day kar nikaldo is nay rula rula kar mera bura hal kadiya.